131 – I’m More Confused Now, I’m Broken
131 – I’m More Confused Now, I’m Broken  
Podcast: Who Am I Really?
Published On: Sat Oct 17 2020
Description: Elissa, from Hilton Head, South Carolina, said never bonded with her adopted mother. She did find a second home with her horseback riding coach and the horses she adored. Finding her biological mother gave Elissa a glimmer of hope that the woman stokes and extinguishes in a torturous cycle. Speaking with her birth father only once, she confirmed the story of his own paternity, but Elissa never heard from him again. Relying on her husband, the first person she’s shared real love with, Elissa wishes reunion didn’t leave her so confused and feeling broken.This is Elissa’s journey. Elissa (00:03):I am that 37 year old woman now who is dying to be hugged and held by their mother. Like, I need that moment in my life. I feel that I deserve it and I feel unbeknownst to her. She deserves it too. Beause I know that she's carrying this huge darkness over her, that she has the chance to make. Right?Damon (00:31):Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis. And today you're going to hear from Elissa in Hilton head, South Carolina, Elissa never bonded with her adopted mother, but she did find a second home with her horseback riding coach and the horses she adored. Finding her biological mother gave Elissa a glimmer of hope that the woman Stokes and extinguishes in a torturous cycle, speaking with her birth father only once she confirmed the story of his own paternity, but Elissa never heard from him again, relying on her husband, the first person she shared real love with Elissa wishes reunion. Didn't leave her so confused and feeling broken. This is Elissa's journey. Elissa was born in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania then adopted out of the children's home orphanage in Pittsburgh.Damon (01:42):Every summer. Her parents took her to the children's home summer picnic, where she kind of questioned why they were there. Elissa learned she was adopted at about four or five years old, but she really didn't grasp what adoption meant until she was around six. She said her adoptive parents weren't very communicative about her adoption or her birthday. So she's always questioned both. Most importantly, she didn't look like them and never really felt like she fit in with her physical appearance, nor did she feel that internal synchronization, that many biological families feel for one another. Elissa never really bonded with her adopted mother and her adopted father was often working.Elissa (02:27):I found out that I'm 72% Italian and my father, my adopted father is also Italian. I do have some similarities with him, but I have very dark olive skin, Brown eyes, Brown hair. I look Italian. My father is kind of short. He kind of has hazel eyes, you know, salt and pepper hair is, all I've ever known him to have. My mom, um, came from a Jewish family. She also was adopted and she had blue eyes, fair skin and blonde hair. So physically I didn't look like them. And none of my behavioralism in me mimiced any of them. It's like everything they tried to make me to be. It just didn't feel natural and almost kind of felt like a put on, like I can't explain it.Damon (03:13):Tell me, so what kinds of things did they try to introduce you to that? Just didn't stick,Elissa (03:21):Uh, you know, the old, like tap ballet, um, sports. The only thing that stuck I stuck with was horseback riding. And I think that was because unknowing at the time it allowed me to bond with something. It allowed me to have my own personal relationship with someone or something that I had, you know, the stay and, you know, I always felt like I never knew where I came from. So it was like, it was my first identity. Basically. I was able to have my own first relationship with myself, through my relationship with my horses. And I became very close with my horseback riding teacher. I lived with her, um, up until I was 13 when we moved down here. So I would say up until from 10 years old to 13, I lived with her.Damon (04:09):Elissa started things off by telling me that nearly everything she's revealing. She learned only a year ago and as an adult of 35 years old, but check out the timeline of what she just said. She was told she was adopted when she was about five years old and roughly five years later, she went to live with her horseback riding coach. But before we get to that, Elissa described life at home.Elissa (04:34):Living with my mom was not your, not any girl's dream. You know, we never had the bond, never did hair makeup. You know, she never talked to me about life. If you know what I mean? Um, she always had someone taking me to school or no, someone tutoring me. She's a stay at home mom. Um, as an adult, now that we're able to talk about this, we were very disattached from each other. I was kind of rejecting her. She was rejecting me. Um, like I said, I loved her, but I didn't love her. I can't separate those two words. It's more of a feeling. I knew that I had to love her. She adopted me. I was, you know, thankful, grateful for all of that, but it just wasn't your mother's touch. I can't say it any other way.Damon (05:27):Oh, what you've said makes absolute sense that you weren't connected and bonded and it sounds like she inserted a lot of people to fill in spaces that you needed. Right. Where she in I'm in. I'm trying to be careful with my words, because you've also admitted that you were possibly rejecting her too. Therefore I don't want it to make it seem like she was just putting up a shield to say, here, deal with these people. Right. If you were pushing her away when it to schoolwork, then of Course she would get a tutor. And if you're pushing her away in this place, then of course she would try to find someone else to like help you through this thing. So I don't want to sort of vilify her unnecessarily, but that's really interesting. Yeah.Elissa (06:13):I agree with you. It's like me being my own mother. I have a daughter and I'm a mother, I believe in mental health. My parents in that generation didn't believe in mental health. They figured cause they were doing everything right as parents that I would come out right as a kid, but little did they know how much of that was not their fault? Um, I'm going through a lot of, you know, mental health issues right now with no separation, disattachment, you know, personality disorder, all of that, because it was never resolved as a kid. It was never spoken about it was never handled. It was always, you know, they were financially there for me a hundred percent, but they weren't the best that given that unconditional love. And I think it was a 50, 50, like you just said, I wasn't all, you know, warm and fuzzy either.Elissa (07:03):And it wasn't an intentional thing. It just, it did not feel natural. It felt almost forced at times coming from my mom, my dad and I had a different relationship.Damon (07:16):And what was that like?Elissa (07:16):Um much better. However, he was never home when he was home, I was in the garden, the pool, we were skiing. We were plowing the driveway. You know, I was his little son that he never had. You know, he spent time with me where my mom really never...